I Hate This

I'm so done with this whole life.  It's just too hard for me, apparently. I am a completel basket case.  I didn't sleep last night due to my mother and freaking Chenille Saunders, who might be the two worst people on the planet right now.  They are right up there with The Petersons and Randy Dirilo.  I literally cannot understand how people can be so cold and heartless.  I don't understand how you hurt people, lie, cheat, steal, call names, and then march your ass into a church or temple each week (or multiple times a week), with your nose stuck high in the air like the self-righteous little jerks you really are deep inside.  I would never in a trillion years choose a cult/religion/god over my kids or family.  My entire life has been full of this bullshit.  I'm over it.  I am trying to convince Jeremy to sell his business and our house and whatever else, so we can just pack up and leave.  I don't care if we are broke, how hard it is, nothing.  It cannot be worse than this life.  The only time I have ever been truly content is when I have lived away from this stupid little, judgmental hell hole. Stick a freaking fork in me and call me done. 

My Itty Bitty Little Cedric

 Today I came across these pictures of Cedric when we lived in Cardboard City.  Oh my goodness, gracious I forgot how blonde/blue-eyed this boy of mine was!! I mean, he still is, but, the blonde is a little more dirty and the blue eyes switch between blue and hazel now.  I can't believe how long ago this seems and the years between have been long and hard but, also short and sweet.  

We still have that little table too!! One thing that has made it through all the years, kids, houses, and moves.  

Is the look on this face familiar, or what?!!?!?  LOL!!

Memories, Or A Lack Thereof

I remember back when I was a new mom with big plans and I did everything "right".  Jeremy and I would do everything we could to give the kids the happy, "perfect" life with wonderful memories.  We spent so much money on things that NONE of the kids remember now.  Think back to when you were 8 and under......how much do you remember!?!?  We took the three oldest to Disneyland and a bunch of other places too.  Do they remember?  Tristan and Cedric have vague memories of it, Liam remembers getting lost and that's it.  It's funny, I think it was more to make us feel like we were doing right by our kids, than actually about the kids.  The memories were for us, not them.

The way I see it, it is not my job as a parent to ENTERTAIN them.  It is my job as a parent to love them unconditionally, nourish their bodies and minds, and provide their basic life necessities.  Not that I don't want them to have fun or I don't want to do fun things with them.  I just don't know how parenting became this competition of sorts between parents.  Facebook is flooded with these posts about what great moms and dads people are for....taking their kids to the park!?!? What?  Anyone can take a kid to a park, that doesn't make them a good parent.  Oh look a this picture of Dad hugging his kid....um, okay...boy, he must be the best dad ever to hug his kid and plaster it on facebook....definitely the sign of a great parent.  *sigh*  Everyone is just out to prove how "perfect" their life and family are.  I just don't get it.  I wonder why they don't post pictures when they just had an argument with their kid and say "best dad ever, totally just won this argument with my kid and sent him to his room, boo-yah!"

I love spending time with my kiddos.  I also like spending time without my kiddos.....and guess what?!!?!?  Shhhh....don't tell anyone because it is a huge secret apparently....but, you can still be a good parent AND enjoy your time without them AND it is okay to admit that. 

All that being said, I'm planning a very MEMORABLE trip for the whole fam and I can't wait to surprise them with it!! 

Some Stuff

Jeremy is sitting on the couch with Vivi, snuggling.  She is up late because her teeth hurt.  While with both have a ton to do (especially since I will be out of town tomorrow and not home until Wednesday morning) but, she has been screaming her poor little brains out and we feel bad for her.  We gave her some Ibuprophen to hopefully make her feel better.  He then started to softly sing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" to her (his song he sings to all the kids) and she ever so softly started singing along.  Such a sweet little singing voice. Oh my goodness, I love that girl!

In about thirty minutes or so, I am going upstairs to get the boys so that they can come outside and watch the International Space Station go by!! I am super stoked!! I saw it last night by accident and realized that the next few days are the absolute perfect days for seeing it.  Cedric has his binoculars ready so we can hopefully see more than just a light. 

My Life

I am for real offended by just about every single person around me.  I love how everyone seems to always know what is best for me and my family and how I should live my life.  It's been this way my entire life.  My feelings are ALWAYS invalid.  Whatever I want to do, whatever choices I make, whatever things I say.....always wrong.  I am OVER IT.  This is MY life and if the people around me can't love me for who I am, then I don't need you.  I can live fine and dandy all by myself, it's actually a real struggle for me to interact with people.  I've got an idea, when all of you have lived through the crap I have lived through and currently am dealing with, then you can come back and talk to me about how distant I have been or what a shitty freaking parent I am or lay into me for whatever choices in my life I am making that upset you.  I am doing the very best I know how, and it is NOT perfect by any means.  But, I keep trying.  And it's all I can do.  And it is never enough.

Easter Morning At Our House

 Well, here are some Easter pics.  It's another quasi-religious holiday that I wasn't thrilled about being involved with this year.  I struggle with the idea of filling young, forming minds with horrific notions about some religion that you decided for them.  I want my kids to use their minds and form decisions on their own, with what feels right and comfortable TO THEM, not what feels right and comfortable to me.  I was raised in a faith that was detrimental in so many ways(as they all are) and I refuse to do the same to them. So instead of worrying about all that other stupid crap about the holiday, I embraced the damn Easter Bunny.  I mean if we are believing in things we have never seen or have any actual evidence of, I'm going to promote the cute, fun fairy tale about a nice bunny that brings me eggs filled with yummy candy and fun stuff rather than the one that threatens me if I don't worship him in whatever wacko way he chooses, I am doomed to hell.  What a downer, lol, who would want to hang out with that guy, hah!!

 I went to four different Dollar Generals in the surrounding area to find all these Easter Baskets for just $5 each!  Lol!  I was determined.  I filled em full of a bunch of crap (cool adult coloring books, memory books, reading books, toys, candy, stickers, oh and EGGS) and then we.....Jeremy and I....erm, the EASTER BUNNY, hopped all through the house and hid the baskets.  I do love how every Easter morning the kids wake us up with whose baskets they have already found and those that they just can't seem to find!  There is a lot of teamwork between the kids Easter morning and they are all genuinely nice and excited to help each other find baskets and see who got what. 

 Well my teenagers are starting to not have quite the excitement they had in previous years, LOL!  And that's fine with me.  I remember being that age. and I love having a little of the pressure relieved of being "on" for the holiday, when you don't have to necessarily "hide" things form them or create some kind of perfect thing for them.  

 Eden got Piggy Paint in her basket.  It is safe, non-toxic nail polish for little girls that says it is as safe as mud???? Hmmm, not sure what that means, but whatever, it sounds good! :)

 A lot of my kids and myself are getting into the adult coloring books recently.  I bought a set of really nice professional colored pencils and we all just sit and color together sometimes.  

 Don't mind all the pizza boxes, we had Trapp Easter at our house this year and Nicci, Trey, Alina, Will, and Sam stayed later into the evening, the day before Easter.  For supper we had Will, Tristan, and Cedric drive to Keokuk to get pizza for us.  

 I don't know how I didn't snap any pics at all of Cedric, what the heck!?!?!? 

We all got ready for the day and went to Kelley Family Easter first, then to another Trapp Easter and Vicki and Dan's house for supper, both of which will be in a different post. I have to say though, pretty dang good Easter this year even with my recent "Faith Crisis".