Liam's 12th Birthday

 November 10th was Liam's 12th Birthday!  It is so crazy to me how old my kids are, lol!! So, for all the kids' birthdays this year we have been having a small gathering of immediate family for cake and ice cream, and for their present from us, they get a "Day Out with Mom and Dad".  They get to choose where to go, where to eat, what to do, where to shop, and basically pick out whatever they want for their birthday.  It has been a great thing too!  Getting one on one time with each of them and getting to talk to JUST them, discover new (and existing, lol) parts of their personalities, and be relaxed and just have FUN with them.  So anyway, Liam's actual birthday fell on a Thursday so we just had a small family dinner at Grandma Kelley's with Pizza Hut Pizza and a DQ Ice Cream Cake that Liam picked out himself. 

 Vivianne was very clingy that night. 

 It was either right in my lap or right in Liam's lap, all the time, no exceptions, lol!  

 Eden thought it would be funny to eat her cake like a puppy! 

 On Sunday, the 13th, Jeremy and I took Liam out for his special day.  He had chosen to go to Iowa City.  We went to the Mall and ate at the Mellow Mushroom, shopped at cool stores, had yummy snacks, and at the new Popeye's!  Liam had a ton of fun shopping for clothes and picking out cool new stuff for his room.  He actually didn't buy any toys at all!! Crazy!  He loved Hot Topic and picked out his cool new Fall Out Boy jacket there.  All in all, he ended up with a crap ton of new stuff and he was happy as can be!  

 We had a great day together!  I love Liam's personality.  Right now he is very in to listening to music, Star Wars, Harry Potter, and techie gadgets.  He is a goofball that likes to make people laugh, even if it means getting himself in trouble doing it, lol! I love this super duper 12 year old!

I'm Eating an Apple, What Are You Doing?

I don't know if anyone even reads my blog anymore.  I would have given up reading a long freaking time ago, lol!  Today is another down day for me.  I have no control over when and where the feelings (or non-feelings) strike.  I hate it.  Sometimes someone's comment can send me into a tailspin.  I really, really, really want to just leave so bad.  I can feel it in my bones.  The time has come to go.  Now, just to sell the Carthage House......

My "Summer Job"

I DID IT!!!!!  I AM DONE WITH SUMMER BALL PHOTOS!!!!

 (Well, I must add a stupid disclosure here that I'm not actually done quite yet....but, I only have to package(which does take a crazy amount of time even though it doesn't sound like it would) the last four teams when they arrive and then deliver to the coaches for distribution.)

So, I was asked to do the  team photos for the Nauvoo Athletic Association again this year.  I did ten teams with kids ranging from 4-16.  It a large task for one person.  But, one I was looking forward to with excitement.  I spent some time in February, March, and April getting nice order forms made that had a perforated, tear off envelope to put payment in, for a more streamlined order form and a professional look.  I worked out different print packages for people to choose from, set up an online store, designed new marketing materials, and worked on the "business" part of my business so that I would be fully prepared for the summer photos.  It was all going according to my plan until I began to realize that my contact for the NAA wasn't actually conveying anything to the rest of the NAA or the coaches.  Whatever.  It has all ended up working out in the end but, again, next year, I will run things differently or just won't do it, I guess.

I spent all of June and July working on these photos and it has been a ton of work.  Work that I enjoy.  Work that brings money into our house of NINE people.  I think sometimes people forget that Jeremy and I both are entrepreneurs, we own TWO business, have SEVEN kids, are paying double on most home bills (due to owning one and renting one), and also have business expenses on top of all that as well, and we are solely responsible for how much money we make.  We don't get a paycheck.  I know most people don't own their own business, let alone two, so maybe it is hard to relate to.  But, is is hard.  There is so much more behind the scenes stuff that people never see.  I just think it is interesting that when ever anyone else has work(where they work for someone else), it is fine and dandy because you know, it's their JOB, and they have to go because they have to make money.  But, if Jeremy and I get babysitting for our JOBS or work strange hours, we are told that we are not good parents, or people act like we never see our kids or don't love them or something.  Ridiculous, of course. I just need to learn to block these stupid comments out of my head but, that has always been something that is hard for me, I feel too much, and take too much to heart.  Anyway, we also had a lot of help with our kiddos which I am super duper grateful for!! :)  I still need to figure something out for a regular sitter for Vivi during the school year, once I am working again but, gonna try to block that out until later,,,,,I don't want my head clouded with any more than it already has stuffed into it. Haha!

 Something that I love about Jeremy and I both owning our own businesses is that we can take time off when we want.....which is exactly what we are going to do.  Tomorrow morning, we leave bright and early for our camping adventure!! I cannot wait!!! I want to sit back, block all the stupids out of my life, and enjoy my family, myself, and nature.  I don't plan on doing any more photo sessions until after school starts again.  August is going to be packed full of adventure and fun as well so best make time for it, lol! 

Little Miss Dress-Up

 This girl loves to pick out her own clothes and accessories, get dressed, and play dress-up.  (I'e been gathering different costumes, dresses, hats, accessories that I have been finding on clearance or very cheap and going to get her a cute little play dress-up center thing for her birthday this year.....I am very excited! I just know she is going to LOVE it!!)

Anyway, she is always asking me to take a picture of her when she does.  This particular day she got all dressed up and asked me to take her picture with the unicorn-y.  Sure thing!

 The poses she strikes are always awesome too.  Just like her. 

 This girly girl is just what I always wished for.  I cannot believe that I actually got two perfect little girls after trying for so long and hard.  They are sooooo different from my boys and that is okay.  Some things are easier and some are harder.  But, either way, perfect. 

By the way, don't you love the winter hat with her summer dress?!!?  Lol!

The BOM

One of my best friends in the whole world, Tuesday McLeod (Carstens), got me a ticket to see the broadway play, The Book of Mormon, that was coming to Peoria!!! She did it as a thank you for me taking their family pictures.  So, I left home about 2 or 3 on a Tuesday and drove to Peoria.  I was planning on spending the night but, ended up driving home at one in the morning(that is part of the stupid story with Chenille and Mother) afterwards.  Anyway, the play was freaking AMAZING and SO FREAKING HILARIOUS!  There were so many funny references that you would only "get" if you had been immersed deep in the mormon culture!! I literally could not stop laughing.  The music was good and so was the company!! Thank you Tuesday!  A great life experience. 

That's Terrible!

I have to type this out before it flies out of my head completely.  A few days ago, Eden had changed her clothes four times already and it was just barely noon.  I walked out of the bathroom to find her sitting on the couch in a shirt but her shorts or skirt was no where to be seen.  I said:"Eden, where are are your pants/shorts?"  and she was like: " I need new ones."  So, instead of getting continually more and more mad every time she changed clothes, like I had been, I knelt down in front of her and said with a half-smile, "Eden, I don't mean to be upset with you but, do you know that every time you change your clothes, it makes more laundry for me.  And did you know that I have to do laundry for NINE PEOPLE?" She looked back at me with her big eyes, dead serious and whispered, "Oh no, that's terrible." and gave me a hug!  I laughed so hard!  She totally made my day with that.  It's little thing like that, that can turn your day around for the better.

I Hate This

I'm so done with this whole life.  It's just too hard for me, apparently. I am a completel basket case.  I didn't sleep last night due to my mother and freaking Chenille Saunders, who might be the two worst people on the planet right now.  They are right up there with The Petersons and Randy Dirilo.  I literally cannot understand how people can be so cold and heartless.  I don't understand how you hurt people, lie, cheat, steal, call names, and then march your ass into a church or temple each week (or multiple times a week), with your nose stuck high in the air like the self-righteous little jerks you really are deep inside.  I would never in a trillion years choose a cult/religion/god over my kids or family.  My entire life has been full of this bullshit.  I'm over it.  I am trying to convince Jeremy to sell his business and our house and whatever else, so we can just pack up and leave.  I don't care if we are broke, how hard it is, nothing.  It cannot be worse than this life.  The only time I have ever been truly content is when I have lived away from this stupid little, judgmental hell hole. Stick a freaking fork in me and call me done. 

My Itty Bitty Little Cedric

 Today I came across these pictures of Cedric when we lived in Cardboard City.  Oh my goodness, gracious I forgot how blonde/blue-eyed this boy of mine was!! I mean, he still is, but, the blonde is a little more dirty and the blue eyes switch between blue and hazel now.  I can't believe how long ago this seems and the years between have been long and hard but, also short and sweet.  

We still have that little table too!! One thing that has made it through all the years, kids, houses, and moves.  

Is the look on this face familiar, or what?!!?!?  LOL!!

Memories, Or A Lack Thereof

I remember back when I was a new mom with big plans and I did everything "right".  Jeremy and I would do everything we could to give the kids the happy, "perfect" life with wonderful memories.  We spent so much money on things that NONE of the kids remember now.  Think back to when you were 8 and under......how much do you remember!?!?  We took the three oldest to Disneyland and a bunch of other places too.  Do they remember?  Tristan and Cedric have vague memories of it, Liam remembers getting lost and that's it.  It's funny, I think it was more to make us feel like we were doing right by our kids, than actually about the kids.  The memories were for us, not them.

The way I see it, it is not my job as a parent to ENTERTAIN them.  It is my job as a parent to love them unconditionally, nourish their bodies and minds, and provide their basic life necessities.  Not that I don't want them to have fun or I don't want to do fun things with them.  I just don't know how parenting became this competition of sorts between parents.  Facebook is flooded with these posts about what great moms and dads people are for....taking their kids to the park!?!? What?  Anyone can take a kid to a park, that doesn't make them a good parent.  Oh look a this picture of Dad hugging his kid....um, okay...boy, he must be the best dad ever to hug his kid and plaster it on facebook....definitely the sign of a great parent.  *sigh*  Everyone is just out to prove how "perfect" their life and family are.  I just don't get it.  I wonder why they don't post pictures when they just had an argument with their kid and say "best dad ever, totally just won this argument with my kid and sent him to his room, boo-yah!"

I love spending time with my kiddos.  I also like spending time without my kiddos.....and guess what?!!?!?  Shhhh....don't tell anyone because it is a huge secret apparently....but, you can still be a good parent AND enjoy your time without them AND it is okay to admit that. 

All that being said, I'm planning a very MEMORABLE trip for the whole fam and I can't wait to surprise them with it!! 

Some Stuff

Jeremy is sitting on the couch with Vivi, snuggling.  She is up late because her teeth hurt.  While with both have a ton to do (especially since I will be out of town tomorrow and not home until Wednesday morning) but, she has been screaming her poor little brains out and we feel bad for her.  We gave her some Ibuprophen to hopefully make her feel better.  He then started to softly sing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" to her (his song he sings to all the kids) and she ever so softly started singing along.  Such a sweet little singing voice. Oh my goodness, I love that girl!

In about thirty minutes or so, I am going upstairs to get the boys so that they can come outside and watch the International Space Station go by!! I am super stoked!! I saw it last night by accident and realized that the next few days are the absolute perfect days for seeing it.  Cedric has his binoculars ready so we can hopefully see more than just a light. 

My Life

I am for real offended by just about every single person around me.  I love how everyone seems to always know what is best for me and my family and how I should live my life.  It's been this way my entire life.  My feelings are ALWAYS invalid.  Whatever I want to do, whatever choices I make, whatever things I say.....always wrong.  I am OVER IT.  This is MY life and if the people around me can't love me for who I am, then I don't need you.  I can live fine and dandy all by myself, it's actually a real struggle for me to interact with people.  I've got an idea, when all of you have lived through the crap I have lived through and currently am dealing with, then you can come back and talk to me about how distant I have been or what a shitty freaking parent I am or lay into me for whatever choices in my life I am making that upset you.  I am doing the very best I know how, and it is NOT perfect by any means.  But, I keep trying.  And it's all I can do.  And it is never enough.

Easter Morning At Our House

 Well, here are some Easter pics.  It's another quasi-religious holiday that I wasn't thrilled about being involved with this year.  I struggle with the idea of filling young, forming minds with horrific notions about some religion that you decided for them.  I want my kids to use their minds and form decisions on their own, with what feels right and comfortable TO THEM, not what feels right and comfortable to me.  I was raised in a faith that was detrimental in so many ways(as they all are) and I refuse to do the same to them. So instead of worrying about all that other stupid crap about the holiday, I embraced the damn Easter Bunny.  I mean if we are believing in things we have never seen or have any actual evidence of, I'm going to promote the cute, fun fairy tale about a nice bunny that brings me eggs filled with yummy candy and fun stuff rather than the one that threatens me if I don't worship him in whatever wacko way he chooses, I am doomed to hell.  What a downer, lol, who would want to hang out with that guy, hah!!

 I went to four different Dollar Generals in the surrounding area to find all these Easter Baskets for just $5 each!  Lol!  I was determined.  I filled em full of a bunch of crap (cool adult coloring books, memory books, reading books, toys, candy, stickers, oh and EGGS) and then we.....Jeremy and I....erm, the EASTER BUNNY, hopped all through the house and hid the baskets.  I do love how every Easter morning the kids wake us up with whose baskets they have already found and those that they just can't seem to find!  There is a lot of teamwork between the kids Easter morning and they are all genuinely nice and excited to help each other find baskets and see who got what. 

 Well my teenagers are starting to not have quite the excitement they had in previous years, LOL!  And that's fine with me.  I remember being that age. and I love having a little of the pressure relieved of being "on" for the holiday, when you don't have to necessarily "hide" things form them or create some kind of perfect thing for them.  

 Eden got Piggy Paint in her basket.  It is safe, non-toxic nail polish for little girls that says it is as safe as mud???? Hmmm, not sure what that means, but whatever, it sounds good! :)

 A lot of my kids and myself are getting into the adult coloring books recently.  I bought a set of really nice professional colored pencils and we all just sit and color together sometimes.  

 Don't mind all the pizza boxes, we had Trapp Easter at our house this year and Nicci, Trey, Alina, Will, and Sam stayed later into the evening, the day before Easter.  For supper we had Will, Tristan, and Cedric drive to Keokuk to get pizza for us.  

 I don't know how I didn't snap any pics at all of Cedric, what the heck!?!?!? 

We all got ready for the day and went to Kelley Family Easter first, then to another Trapp Easter and Vicki and Dan's house for supper, both of which will be in a different post. I have to say though, pretty dang good Easter this year even with my recent "Faith Crisis".  

Here We Go Again

  So the "one post a day" thing is going GREAT!  I  mean, just look at all the catching up I have been doing! SMH.  Oh well.  I am trying, which is proven by my many repeated attempts, lol!  So, we are going through another life crisis right now.  Looks like there is a good possibility that our house in Nauvoo will be sold out from under us again.
  *ASIDE:  To be clear, this is not at all like the situation last time where there was an immense amount of lying, cheating, and stealing, in the name of God, no less!  The Hasek's were very clear in the beginning of all this and this is what we agreed to, knowing full well all the possibilities.  We cannot fault them at all, they have been great the entire time we have lived here and we consider them friends. END ASIDE*
  I am doing my best to remain calm and not freak out but, it is a minute by minute thing. I way over-analyze every little detail of every little thing and that can be good to a point but, mostly bad for my mental health, lol.  The good thing is that we are not in the horribly crappy financial situation that we were the last time this happened but, our options are still limited.  We haven't sold our pain the ass Carthage house yet either which is the main kink in the situation.  That house has been the bane of my existence ever since I saw the damn thing. We are waiting on Lowe's to install the carpet and we are going to call it quits on fixing anything else in that house.  Really we did most of it.  The rest of the work is more cosmetic and something that most people do and change when they buy a house anyway. ( I wish I had taken before and after pics of the house from when we bought it to now....I don't know why I never remember to do that.) Anyway, we are meeting with a new lender today to see if we can go ahead and finance this house, while we still own our Carthage house.  We have been making two house payments, two electric payment, two insurance payments, two water/sewer/trash payments, two gas payments, and one payment to the lawn guy who takes care of our yard in Carthage for two years now and never missed a payment.  Obviously we can make the payments on both houses, we just wish it were that easy instead of making people come up with an absurd amount of money out of thin air for a ridiculous down payment.  *sigh*  
It's great timing too.  The mad rush at the end of the school year is in full swing, Cedric and Vivianne's birthdays, kids graduations, its the busy time of year for photographers, and a million other things.  I guess there is never a "good" time for anything.  I am trying to not fight the universe and let things happen as they need to.  We can only do so much, so we will do our best and call it good.

Why So Stupid!?

Here is something that I want to talk about. I am sick and tired of the world telling parents that everything they do and say is wrong or somehow going to scar your freaking children for the rest of their lives.  Like we don't already have enough on our minds as parents, without worrying about judgement from the entire world.  Guess what???? Parents aren't perfect.  Guess what???  Neither are kids.  Do we all handle things the wrong way sometimes?  Yep.  Do our children handle things the wrong way sometimes? Yep.  Do we forgive them?  Yep.  Do they forgive us?  Yep.  So, the question is, why can't society let parents mess up ever?  I'll tell you why.  Because society is stupid.  That is all.

Today's Post

I have not wanted to blog like I said I would but, I am forcing myself.  Yesterday I woke up and the wind was finally not blowing like a hurricane.  The wind has been absolutely bonkers for the last week or so and our yard was a disaster.  I couldn't burn our cardboard or sticks that fly around our yard because it was so dang windy.  So, when I woke up and the air was still, I called everyone outside to help in the yard.  We picked up sticks, cardboard, trash, toys, and whatever else had blown around.  We burnt a big pile of crap in our big firepit and then started a fire in our patio fire pit to have an impromptu lunch around the fire.  We had foil dinners, hot dogs, chips, and smores.  Then a new girl from school texted my phone to ask if Eden could come over and play.  She was so excited.  And we found out that they live really close to us and can play together all summer.  Sweet.  Later in the afternoon, I took Cullen and Eden to Happy Joe's in Burlington and out to see the movie Zootopia.  I'm not really in to telling this right now, in case you can't tell, lol!

Tidbit

I am seriously annoyed with myself and what a horrendous job I have done keeping up with this blog for the past year or so.  I AM going to do better.  I also have slacked on printing the blog books.  That will happen too.  The past year has been different for me in so many ways. There has been a lot of discovery, learning, growth, introspective, and change in all areas of my life. I am going to try to keep a goal of posting one post a day to try to catch myself up a bit.

Yesterday I posted these pictures on Facebook of all the kids at Kelley Family Easter.  Grandma and Grandpa Kelley had gotten these super cute Minnie Mouse outfits for Eden and Viv for Christmas.  They hadn't had a chance to wear them yet and I thought, rather than get new Easter dresses, they could wear these and be freaking adorable!  And adorable they were!  Oh my goodness, I these two girls are just too much cute!

 My boys have totally made my life complete by giving me an awesome photo of ALL of them STANDING STILL, LOOKING AT THE CAMERA, SMILING, AND NOT THROWING SOME KIND OF FIT!!!!  I am in heaven.  I love the rainbow shirts I made them wear too, lol!